"Take care of Aki for me. I love you Goodbye"

I woke up unexpectedly early the Saturday morning before Easter this year to find this note on the kitchen counter. Immediately, panic. Must wake up parents. Must find Josh, search upstairs. I held my breath as I opened each door, turned each corner, terrified of what I might find.
My parents found him in the dining room, huddled in a corner, gripping a kitchen knife but skin untouched.
Two months later he comes home with a hole in his arm, high on meth. A hospital visit and 24 hours later he swears that scared him enough to keep him away the rest of his life.
And we foolishly believed him, constantly wanting him to have turned a corner, thinking "he's really made progress this time. He seems happy."
And now, it's September and he's in a treatment facility for drug use. When on his last straw, planning suicide, a friend has an intervention and urges him to get help. Thank the Lord for this sweet soul, I may not have my brother today if it weren't for him.

But is it going to work this time? Is he actually going to try? I hate being helpless, I hate living so far away but what could I do anyway?

I had finally reached a point where I wasn't scared I might lose Josh, my best friend, every day. I finally stopped being scared of getting calls from my parents, afraid of the news they may carry.

I don't want to go back to that.

I already know the song I want to walk out to in our wedding.

Is that absolutely crazy?

20something Problems

It's no secret I moved out to Tulsa strictly so I could keep my relationship with Scott. I'd been applying all over the country for 8 months, looking in Houston, Dallas, Austin, and even Chicago (for illegitimate reasons). But as soon as he got hired in Tulsa, my search focused here. Not one month later, I got a call for an interview and ended up with the job I have now. I was beyond relieved, to just have a stupid job and to also be able to keep the relationship I had fought so hard for.

But the thing is, my job is doing nothing for me. It's great experience, absolutely yes. Otherwise, I'm an hourly employee getting payed dirt without benefits and an hour commute. However, Tulsa doesn't have the most opportunities for a chemist with under 10 years of experience and only a bachelors degree.

There are so many things I want to do and there are so many options that I'm stuck with not having a clue what my next step is.

I've given thought to grad school but I don't really like the idea of being in school for another 5 years. I want to start having kids before I'm 30 (which is in 5 years. wtf?!), would I have to pause grad school? Would it be better to just delay grad school until after?

If I do go to grad school, should I just go for my masters or my PhD? If I did masters, I'd study analytical chemistry, if PhD, I'd study chemical education. Would getting my masters even be worth it or would it be equivalent to having 2 years of experience in the industry?

I'd like to be able to try my hand at teaching but not here in Oklahoma, and not particularly with the education system we have now.

Maybe both? Get my masters degree so I can teach community college chemistry? I'd love to not have the restrictions of the public school system.

But where would I go? Again, I moved to Tulsa to be with Scott. I don't want to move away from Tulsa until he does but that restricts me considerably.

.......

ohhhhhhhhhhh the things we do for love.

:throws hands up:

In No Uncertain Terms

I've never felt a love like this before. This love came out of nowhere, slowly growing to a burst of light that warms my heart.

My relationship with Scott has grown more than I ever imagined it would. I don't think I've ever felt so truly happy and in love. It's not just an exciting love, it goes deeper than that. Something that grows from the familiarity of his hand in mine, from the soft brush of the hair behind my ear, from the talks about life and the world at dinner when we just can't stand to get up and continue on with normal life. From the way his eyes sparkle when he smiles that smile, my God that smile, that is reserved only for me.

Not only that, but because he brought out a better person in me. I don't have that strong longing for attention that got me into so much trouble in college. He gives me everything I desire, no need to go looking for it from anyone else. I used to only see flaws, determined that there was someone out there that was better for me. But his flaws are beautiful and they pair with mine to make this wonderful relationship.

Scott feels like home.